By: Tom Henschel, Executive Coach/Facilitator
Indira’s feedback was clear. When it came to achieving results, she was “a superstar;” when it came to people, she was “remote” and “inaccessible.” She wasn’t defensive about the feedback at all. She’d been this way for as long as she could remember, she told me. Early in our coaching, she excitedly shared an article that cited research saying that matching was a way to build stronger relationships. Was this something I knew about, she asked. When I told her, yes, I often talked with leaders about four ways they can use matching to deepen relationships, she was eager to learn more.
Match Purpose
Leaders who clearly state why the team’s work is important, how it contributes to the bigger picture and how success will be measured, align people. When team members experience everyone pulling in the same direction, their connections deepen and relationships grow.
Match Energy
This one-on-one technique requires the leader to observe the whole person they’re with and match as many qualities as they can. Matching breath, rate of speech, volume and physicality are some ways to create connections. You can even match language styles: some people are concrete thinkers, some more metaphoric.
Match Conversations
Mentally asking, “What are we talking about right now?” then adjusting to match is a powerful way to connect with others. If someone talks about their frustration with a colleague, you can match them by being curious and inviting them to say more. If they talk about managing a project, you can match by asking what would be helpful to them. Resist the urge to “fix.” Fixing is rarely matching.
Match Vulnerability
This was hardest for Indira. When people came to her expressing emotions, her first instinct was to close herself off. Over time, she worked to allow people to express their emotions without flinching. She even found she could sometimes match by telling a comparable story of her own.
Indira was fascinated by the concept of matching. She put concerted effort into practicing each of the four methods. By the time her coaching ended, the feedback about her being remote and inaccessible had begun to thaw – her relationships were deepening which, to her, made the coaching a success.
Interested in building deeper connections through leadership?
Reach out to Tom to learn how executive coaching can help you strengthen relationships and lead with greater impact.