I picked the worst possible time to have a midlife crisis.
Granted, once you’ve passed 40, there really isn’t a good time to buy a sports car, change your wardrobe or dye your hair. And the timing and circumstances had nothing to do with a lack of self-confidence, or nostalgia for my younger days. I went through what was more specifically a mid-career crisis, borne from a lack of fulfillment and a sense that I was missing my calling.
The year was 2018, and after 20 years of management and technology consulting, I yearned to do work that, for me, would be more meaningful. The problem: I couldn’t articulate my passion, much less translate it into a purpose. More than that, my life already was, well, complicated.
Eleven years earlier doctors had diagnosed me with epilepsy. After many years of treatment, seizures still checkered my days. I also had married the love of my life in 2014, and we had just welcomed a baby girl I was rocking to sleep at night. To most observers, this was not the time to ponder uprooting my career.
And yet, I did.
During my soul searching, I read a book called Life On Purpose: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything by Victor Strecher. He offered an analogy that shifted my mindset: “Your life is a boat. You need a rudder. But it doesn’t matter how much wind is in your sails if you’re not steering toward a harbor—an ultimate purpose in your life.”
I knew I had powerful wind in my sails, but my boat was rudderless.
My introspection led me to three foundational conclusions. First, I value relationships above all else, and think we are most ourselves when we are connecting with other people. Second, I am passionate about building those connections and teaching others their importance. Third, I could transform that passion into purpose, and a new career.
For me, the launching pad was the Georgetown University Executive Leadership Coaching program.
It was during that program that I began frequently encountering the concept of authenticity. My career increasingly had been consumed by cognitive dissonance—the state of discomfort people feel when their values and their actions contradict each other. It’s what happens when people sell something they know is second-rate, or make a commitment they don’t have their heart in. Cognitive dissonance feels like tension between two opposing forces, and it results in inauthenticity, both in thought and action.
There are many reasons why people live inauthentically. The allure of wealth and power may be too appealing; the fear of losing everything may be too great. For many, me included, the lack of purpose – a rudder for our boats – leaves us unable to move, because we don’t know what direction to go.
Treating my epilepsy ultimately resulted in three brain surgeries and dozens of days in hospital rooms. While recovering from one of the surgeries, I listened to a podcast by Wharton School professor Adam Grant, in which he defined authenticity as: “Being genuine. Erasing the gap between what you think and feel on the inside and what you share on the outside.”
In other words, living authentically is recognizing and embracing who you are at your core, without concern for what others will think.
This doesn’t necessarily have to happen just once, or at a particular age or station in life. It can take the form of periodic check-ups to make sure you’re remaining true to your purpose as your life twists and turns. A friend once recounted to me that he never experienced a classic midlife crisis, but rather underwent recurring recalibrations—in his late twenties, shedding a fast lifestyle and building a career; in his late thirties, learning to integrate a spouse and three children; in his early fifties, making career concessions for the continued health of his family; and now in his sixties, abandoning the corporate ladder in favor of helping the next generation of workers in his field. His values—integrity, family, caring for others—didn’t change. He tweaked his purpose based on the vagaries of life to remain authentic.
Professor Grant also referenced research that showed the direct relationship between authenticity and soaring energy levels and effectiveness. I can testify to that connection. Numerous people in my personal and professional circles confirm that when they are following their passion, their energy is almost boundless—regardless of age.
Today, I’m managing my epilepsy carefully and have gone years without a seizure. My wife and I are raising two children. And I’m loving my career, which has allowed me to make an impact on people’s lives, and grow in ways I never expected.
I’m proud to say that I live authentically and with purpose, in large part because I took that leap of faith at one of the most complicated points in my life.
As for that midlife crisis, I avoided other symptoms. My hair is still white—as my daughters love reminding me–and unless I’m at an event, I still mostly wear sneakers and sweats.
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