In her book The Mirrored Door: Break Through the Hidden Barrier that Locks Successful Women in Place, Ellen Connelly Taaffe, a member of the faculty at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management, explains why many women get to a certain level in their careers, and then encounter barriers that prevent them from taking the next step.
At some point in their careers, many women encounter the “mirrored door” ― when we face opportunities and hesitate, questioning our readiness or worthiness. But there is a way to break through, and to overcome the gendered expectations that women internalize over our lifetimes that create a hidden barrier that keeps us from reaching our full potential.
In Part One of her book, the author discusses how societal dictates affect how women are viewed and view themselves in a corporate environment. And she outlines the characteristics of what she calls the “Inner Antagonist,” and how this inner voice feeds into imposter syndrome.
In Part Two the author explains why the five perils of success— being prepared to perfection, eager to please, trying to fit the mold, pushing too hard, and patiently performing and expecting rewards to follow—get us to a certain level, and then may prevent our taking the next step in our careers as expectations rise. She offers a new, empowering framework for navigating the challenges of the workplace with more awareness and expertise.
Taaffe discusses the five strategies and potential perils of success:
- Preparing to perfection – The tendency to strive for the right answer, 100 percent certainty and accuracy, and always being the best.
- Eagerly pleasing – Prioritizing others and the greater good, listening collaboratively, building consensus, and keeping the peace.
- Fitting the mold – Refers to the tendency to flex your agility to gain entry, fit in quickly, and follow the cultural norms to build familiarity and connection with the team.
- Working pedal to the metal – The tendency to tirelessly drive for results, have a high capacity for work, and keep an eye on the prize.
- Performing patiently – the preference to deliver results, believe your work speaks for itself, understand your manager’s timing and constraints and be ready when it’s your time.
When you build your awareness of each of these Taaffe asserts, you can lean into the upsides while mitigating the downsides.
The following are the key takeaways from the chapters on relearning each of the success strategies:
Preparing to Perfection
- When preparing to perfection, women habitually strive for absolute certainty, excellent delivery, and no risk.
- The power is that others count on our strong performance and reward us with promotions and accolades.
- The pitfall is that, in preparing to perfection, we become less flexible to operate differently when circumstances call for it.
- We see ourselves in the mirrored door when the stakes increase, the role changes, resources and time tighten, and we don’t have the courage or experience to decide without the prep time we are used to.
- The peril is when our illustrious reputation of delivery is tarnished by a perception that lacks two key traits of leaders: skillful decision-making and risk taking.
- The pivot is to understand that we must take risks to grow. We must reframe our thinking to a growth mindset of learning, recovering from mistakes, and celebrating progress over perfection.
Eagerly Pleasing
- Eager-to-please women prioritize others and the greater good, listen collaboratively, build consensus, and keep the peace.
- The power is that we influence others, making them better, more engaged, and more likely to operate well as part of a group.
- The pitfall is when we become so “other” oriented that we neglect our own needs, interests, and views.
- We face the mirrored door when we aren’t pleased, disagree, want our own needs met, want to confront conflict, or wish to say no – and we hesitate because we don’t want to risk relationships. We quiet our own voice, and sometimes resentment and frustration grow.
- The peril is that we are seen as too soft, without strong opinions, and unable to make tough decisions or have difficult conversations.
- The pivot is to seek respect over likeability, learn to set boundaries, and take small steps to raise issues, our voices, and conflicts. Employees want people-driven leaders. We must leverage our eagerness to please and lead without forgetting ourselves.
Fitting the Mold
- Fitting the mold enables women to ease entry into organizations and fit in quickly.
- Its power is that we are agile. We know how to follow the cultural norms and connect with the team.
- The pitfall is that we don’t show our full selves or opinions, robbing the group of truly knowing us and our diverse thinking.
- We face the mirrored door when we doubt our seat at the table and wonder if they value us for who we are and feel stress at the thought of showing people who we truly are.
- Fitting the mold becomes perilous because it is exhausting. Keeping up the pretense of a “real self” and “work self” is unsustainable.
- The pivot is to tap into courage to share more of ourselves at our organization, or to find a different organization where we can be more authentic. Once we take a chance, we’ll likely take more and model the way for others.
Working Pedal to the Metal
- Women who put the pedal to the metal get a ton done. We power through and drive for results as fast as we can.
- The power is in achieving results. We have high capacities and focus on the goals with an eye on the prize. We are known for working tirelessly to make things happen.
- The pitfall is that we may become so focused on and motivated by the objective that we miss bringing other perspectives or people along with us.
- At the mirrored door, we wonder why others aren’t following our lead, or we sense a resistance to our attempts to rally others. We may also get stuck in place from sheer exhaustion.
- This pushing mentality becomes perilous if it leads to disconnection from our team, backlash from biased expectations, and burnout.
- The pivot is to slow down to speed up. We can create ways to build bonds, gain feedback, and take breaks to facilitate more sustainability in career and life.
Performing Patiently
- Women who perform patiently deliver results. We believe our work speaks for itself, understand our manager’s timing and constraints, and are ready when it’s our time.
- The power here is that we deliver, again and again, and are counted on to do that. We are what every manager wants – a great performer who is not breathing down their neck for a promotion.
- The pitfall is that our managers may not know what we’ve don’t or what we want. Frustration sets in when we are overlooked.
- At the mirrored door, we inadvertently stall our momentum as we wait patiently for someone to invite us in, even as others gain their entrance by opening the door themselves.
- The peril is that out performance and potential become invisible to the decision makers. Our habit of proffering gives others control over our destiny. We may be perceived as less ambitious and less achievement oriented.
- We need to pivot our mindset by reframing self-promotion as normal collaborative career planning.
Part Three of The Mirrored Door brings the previous sections together to forge a new path—what the author calls stepping “through the mirrored door” by embracing courage and nurturing one’s network.
Courage Before Confidence
- Conventional wisdom tells women they need more confidence. But courage comes before confidence.
- We must find our own way to swagger, or “swagher”. One way is to draw inspiration from other women who have found their way.
- We are accustomed to hard work and long hours. But slightly less of our time or preparation might be enough to deliver what is needed.
- Cultural conditioning heightens women’s fear of failure. If our fear of failure is bigger than the fear of moving forward with unknown results, then we risk holding ourselves back.
- The best way to start is with a small act of courage. And then another, and another, and so on as we open the mirrored door.
Creating Community Takes a Village
- A woman’s network matters a lot. We should do our best to surround ourselves with people and groups who nurture and advance us.
- We need to seek out mentors to teach us how others have navigated their careers, but research tells us that women are over-mentored and under-sponsored.
- The best way to get a sponsor is to do great work, share goals, ask for feedback, and be coachable to improve performance.
- To find jobs and build relationships, women leverage their networks in different ways than men. Expanding our network of women can be a source of support in various aspects of our careers.
- When we amplify the voice and value of one woman, we do it for all women.
The Making of a Protagonista
- We’ve been conditioned to play the supporting role throughout our lives. Many aspects of our culture, like role models or media, still reinforce that role.
- When we disrupt the status quo, we can take center stage as the protagonista, or lead character, of our own story.
- A protagonista takes care and takes charge.
Taaffe is on a mission for women to have more seats and voices at the table of workplace decisions. As a coach, I’ve used this framework successfully with many female leaders. In The Mirrored Door, Taaffe guides her reader to assess herself and her situation realistically so that she can take charge of her career success and take the lead in her life.
Excerpted from The Mirrored Door; Break Through the Hidden Barrier That Locks Successful Women in Placeby Ellen Connelly Taaffe
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To learn more about overcoming barriers to success and executive coaching, reach out to Laura for a consultation.